Someone got Doom in an SQL database

SO SOMEBODY FINALLY LOOKED INTO IT AND ACTUALLY GOT ORIGINAL DOOM RUNNING INSIDE A RELATIONAL DATABASE TODAY, AND THE THING IS IT IS NOT JUST A GIMMICK BECAUSE A DEVELOPER NAMED VOGEL WROTE THIRTEEN HUNDRED LINES OF SQL OVER EIGHTY-NINE COMMON TABLE EXPRESSIONS IN CEDARDB, WHICH IS WILD BECAUSE IT RENDERS FULL COLOR SIX HUNDRED FORTY BY FOUR HUNDRED EIGHTY BITMAPS AT UP TO SIXTY FRAMES A SECOND ON A RYZEN LAPTOP! A LITTLE PYTHON CLIENT JUST DRAWS THE SCREEN AND TAKES INPUT, BUT THE WHOLE GAME LOGIC AND LEVEL GEOMETRY ARE STORED IN DATABASE TABLES WHERE A BASIC ORDER BY STATEMENT SOLVES THE WALL RENDERING, AND THE CEILINGS USE HACKY PANELS, AND VOGEL POINTS OUT THIS MEANS ZERO MULTIPLAYER DISPUTES OVER WHETHER ROCKETS HIT BECAUSE SNAPSHOTS DO NOT PERMIT PARTIALLY APPLIED UPDATES, WHICH MEANS THE CODE IS ON GITHUB RIGHT NOW. OK SOMEBODY ELSE TALK, MY THROAT HURTS.

I AM NOT EVEN EXAGGERATING RIGHT NOW, NOBODY IN THE STORY IS OFFICIALLY FURIOUS, BUT TRADITIONAL SERVER ENGINEERS SHOULD BE ABSOLUTELY FURIOUS THAT A DEVELOPER NAMED VOGEL CLAIMS HE ELIMINATED MULTIPLAYER HIT DISPUTES AND ROCKET GLITCHES ENTIRELY BY PUTTING DOOM INSIDE CEDARDB, WHICH IS WILD BECAUSE HIS LAST SQL PROJECT WAS STUCK IN GRAYSCALE ASCII LIKE WOLFENSTEIN, BUT THIS NEW VERSION CRUNCHES THIRTEEN HUNDRED LINES OF QUERIES ACROSS EIGHTY-NINE COMMON TABLE EXPRESSIONS TO PUMP OUT FULL-COLOR SIX HUNDRED FORTY BY FOUR HUNDRED EIGHTY FRAMES AT UP TO SIXTY FRAMES PER SECOND ON A RYZEN LAPTOP, AND THE THING IS A SMALL PYTHON PROGRAM HANDLES THE DISPLAY WHILE SQL TABLES SORT THE GEOMETRY WITH BASIC ORDER BY STATEMENTS AND HACKY PANELS FOR CEILINGS, WHICH MEANS ANYONE WITH GITHUB AND A WAD FILE CAN RUN A DOOM DATABASE LOCALLY. OK ENOUGH, WHERE ARE YOUR FRIENDS?

A developer created SQLDoom, running the classic shooter’s game logic and rendering inside a CedarDB SQL database at up to 60 frames per second.

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